Yes, I know. This photo is painful. So think how it must feel to actually be me, the person all puffed up with histamines. My intentions were good, but there are just some things that should be left to professionals. Let me explain.My undoing began several months ago when I figured I had the time to start doing my own yard work. Bad idea.
At the very least, I was certain I could save several thousand bucks by getting rid of my yard service – a mow and blow crew that, well, mostly mowed and blowed!
So I immediately went out and spent several hundred dollars on lawn stuff – new mower, gas-fueled blower and weed-whacker, electric hedge trimmer, safety goggles, gloves and trash bags, top soil, compost and lawn seed.
Did I mention this was a bad idea? Why, yes, I think I did.
In this summer of hell, when temperatures have hovered in the mid-90s in the Land of Cotton, even if you have a green thumb – which, btw, I don’t – it has probably turned brown by now and shriveled to dust. At least that’s what has happened to my lawn. Anything green you spot around my yard could best be classified as a weed.
For some reason I’ve yet to figure out, the heat kills grass, plants and shrubs while invigorating crabgrass, dandelions, ragweed and ground ivy.
To use a baseball metaphor, it’s the bottom of the fifth and Team Nature is tossing a no-hitter against Team Nor. Worse, Team Nor is just about to be placed on the disabled list. Why, you might ask.
And I might explain that while managing to kill off most of my lawn and laying waste to the shrubbery around my house, I’ve been bitten by at least one tick – can you say Lyme Diseases – and spotted two others crawling over my body; gotten poison ivy, at least twice; fell off a ladder while trimming a 14-foot hedge; and – now would be a good time to take another look at that photo above – was recently stung on my left eyelid by a frickin’ wasp while working in the yard!
So before I make the lovely Miss Wendy a widow, I’m thinking of finding a new way to spend my extra time, something simple and safe, like joining the army and becoming one of those guys who defuses bombs. At least then Team Nor would have a 50-50 chance of winning a game or two! Or, better yet, perhaps I should take up recreational drinking. Sounds like a plan.
Did I mention this was a bad idea? Why, yes, I think I did.
In this summer of hell, when temperatures have hovered in the mid-90s in the Land of Cotton, even if you have a green thumb – which, btw, I don’t – it has probably turned brown by now and shriveled to dust. At least that’s what has happened to my lawn. Anything green you spot around my yard could best be classified as a weed.
For some reason I’ve yet to figure out, the heat kills grass, plants and shrubs while invigorating crabgrass, dandelions, ragweed and ground ivy.
To use a baseball metaphor, it’s the bottom of the fifth and Team Nature is tossing a no-hitter against Team Nor. Worse, Team Nor is just about to be placed on the disabled list. Why, you might ask.
And I might explain that while managing to kill off most of my lawn and laying waste to the shrubbery around my house, I’ve been bitten by at least one tick – can you say Lyme Diseases – and spotted two others crawling over my body; gotten poison ivy, at least twice; fell off a ladder while trimming a 14-foot hedge; and – now would be a good time to take another look at that photo above – was recently stung on my left eyelid by a frickin’ wasp while working in the yard!
So before I make the lovely Miss Wendy a widow, I’m thinking of finding a new way to spend my extra time, something simple and safe, like joining the army and becoming one of those guys who defuses bombs. At least then Team Nor would have a 50-50 chance of winning a game or two! Or, better yet, perhaps I should take up recreational drinking. Sounds like a plan.
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