I've eaten my way into a sugary corner

Turns out little bits of all those donuts, cakes and cookies I’ve been noshing on for years have started swimming around in my bloodstream. My doctor isn’t amused.

So to keep him happy and me kicking about for a bit longer, I’ve started paying attention to the labels on the food packaging at my local grocery store, especially the details on all those things I love so much – bread, muffins, cereal, pasta; you know, the good stuff!

My neighbor, a lot more serious about finding healthy food choices, mentioned to the lovely Miss Wendy recently that she’s come across a brand of bread that is tasty, healthy and, ah, cosmically touched. The cosmic part made sense once I learned the name of the product – Ezekiel 4:9.

I picked up a loaf the last time Wendy and I stopped by Trader Joe’s. Its name rests just under the company’s logo and name, Food for Life, and just above a dove nibbling on an olive branch. The packaging also makes it clear that the product is organic, low glycemic, flourless and all natural with no preservatives.

So Ezekiel 4:9 is all about healthy eating and, ah, scripture. The point is hammered home when actual scripture becomes a selling point on the package. "Take also unto thee wheat and barley and beans and lentils and millet and spelt and put them in one vessel and make bread of it …" Ezekiel 4:9 … Complete protein; no fat! That last part isn’t in the Bible.

If you still want more info, all you need do is flip the package around and all that stuff about “live grain” is offered up in more detail under the heading: "The Miracle of the Sprouts." In case anyone has yet to get the message, the dove with the olive branch is also back for an encore. And let us say, Amen!

Now, apparently preaching to the choir, here’s what you’ll read about the “miracle” of this product: “This unique bread is made from freshly sprouted live grains and contains absolutely no flour. We believe in sprouting the grains we use in our breads because sprouting is the best way to release all of the vital nutrients stored in whole grains.”

I have no idea what any of that means. I do know that a slice of the bread has 80 calories, absolutely no saturated fats or trans fats, no sugar and only 15 grams of carbs. The stuff also has a glycemic index of only 36 – that’s a really good thing – and, if you care about such things, the makers of Ezekiel 4:9 report “This Biblical Bread is Truly the Staff of Life.” Well, maybe.

Unfortunately, Ezekiel 4:9 tastes like roofing shingles. There’s a grainy feel and texture to it and a slight nutty aftertaste. After trying a slice – well, actually a bite or two – I found bits of all those sprouting grains resting uneasily against my gums and between my teeth. Yech! I’ll let maggots at the local trash dump finish off the rest of my biblical bread.

Spiritually speaking, this much I know is true. If there really is a heaven, I’m pretty certain only fallen angels will be eating Ezekiel 4:9. The rest of us will be feasting on Dunkin’ Donuts!