Saturday, January 15, 2011

Coughing my way to a new world's record

Just checked out the Guinness Book of World Records and learned that a Swede, Gunter Höötin Töötin Svenson, once held the record for the most mucous hacked up in a week. Gunter, affectionately known as Big Snöt by his, ah, friends and neighbors in the little village of Sjölunden, managed to wheeze up 1.2 metric tons of phlegm after a weekend outing on the frigid fjord of Frierfjorden.

Notice that I report Gunter “once held” this slippery distinction. No longer. While most of you were nesting comfortably at home across the Land of Cotton for the last week, enjoying nature’s icy gift and keeping your tootsies warm by a crackling fire in your dens, I was relentlessly stalking Gunter and his claim to fame.

After the lovely Miss Wendy and I returned from the Big Apple last Sunday – just hours before the region was grasped in the icy claws of Mother Nature – I noticed that I seemed to have a little, um, cold. The only thought that springs to mind as I recall those first tentative sniffles is the memorable aphorism, “Mighty Oaks from Little Acorns Grow”. Now, replace Oaks with flu and acorns with, um, sputum, and you might start to get an idea of how I spent the last six days.

Even though I was fading quickly, the missus and I managed to make our way to Trader Joe’s, where we bumped into friends and neighbors preparing for the apocalypse, even managing to maneuver our way around one of our favorite rabbis, walking away with one of the last half-gallons of milk in the market.

As she said goodbye and offered up a good-natured wish that my little cold vanish quickly, karma was already slipping its mojo about me. By the time we made it home, the sky had turned an ominous slate-gray and a wintry mix began falling across the region. Meanwhile, my sniffles had given way to creeks of viscous liquid.

For those interested, phlegm is in essence a water-based gel consisting of glycoproteins, immunoglobulins, lipids and other substances. I know because I looked it up on Wikipedia. I’ve also spent the last week spewing it from my nose and mouth, coughing up gallons of the stuff.

BTW, for those really interested, the color of phlegm can vary from transparent to pale or dark yellow and green, from light to dark brown, and even to dark grey depending on the constituents. Excuse me just a sec … AHHHHHCHOOOOO! Oh, it can be a light bluish color also. Who knew?

But I digress. The guy from Guinness just left and after a little dumpster diving and working through tons of tissues, he’s figured I’ve hacked up at least 1.3 metric tons of snot, easily knocking Gunter from his sputum perch.

Thank heavens I let the rabbi with the curls walk away with a loaf of bread. There are much worse parts of the body that can expel watery-based gel-like stuff! Meanwhile, I’m happy to report I seem to be well on the road to recovery. So, too, the Land of Cotton, that is daily shedding its glistening coat of ice and frigid temps. Hopefully, we'll all be back to our normal routines come Monday.

1 comment:

  1. Guess the ice-crusted snow wasn't the only stuff that was glistening last week. Gak.

    It's really such a gosh-darn shame:
    A whole week spent in Boogage Claim!